Reflections on lockdown by Charles from the Media Group. 

Where shall I begin? I am a seventy year old man. I do not drink very much and I do not smoke, but I suffer with schizophrenia. On this journey of time as well as memory there are obstacles to overcome. So I shall just give you a brief outline of my last episode of mental struggle with this illness in lockdown.

As an individual who lives on his own, I am used to periods of isolation. But it is not good for me not to have any contact with other people as I am rather shy and have difficulty in confidence to speak. Too much isolation though can cause me to withdraw into myself. I wish to point out that I was very lucky to have some very kind neighbours who did my shopping for me. I was also blest with some loving friends who kept in touch – a real lifeline of love.

At the beginning of the lockdown I was already a bit under the weather and had previous periods of tiredness caused by the fact that I had some heart problems whereby I had been given some medication to take along with my other medicines. This tiredness had persisted all the way through lockdown. Here was my dilemma each day – I was feeling weaker and tired; the fact that at the beginning of lockdown, we were only allowed out once a day for exercise. This made it worse as my sleep pattern was also getting confused. Soon I was sleeping too much during the day and insomnia during the night. I did not report this to my doctor for months as I did not wish to cause a fuss. My mental state was getting worse though and that was what was worrying me.

At night when I could not sleep I listened to the radio to drown out my negative thoughts. I tried changing the time of my medicines to help me sleep. I even tried Nytol tablets to no avail. By the time of the end of lockdown I was very shattered and irritable. I eventually phoned my surgery for help and the very nice receptionist said she would get the doctor to ring me.

The doctor prescribed me some sleeping tablets and advised me also to increase my dosage of my other tablets, which I did. The first week was not too good, the second week was better. When the sleeping tablets ran out though I was ill again and I could not understand why. I thought long and hard and decided to take a chance and increase my mental tablets once more.

Strangely enough it did make a difference, certain symptoms disappeared but other symptoms came to trouble me. I have suffered from this illness for over 40 years and I have found there is no one way of dealing with it. There are phobias and fears that abound in your mind.

You consciously have to be on your guard and be very well disciplined. So I found myself in a situation whereby I had to speak to my doctor over the phone and to somehow convey my symptoms and get the right diagnosis in order to get some leeway to cure the problem. Unfortunately there is always a dilemma with mental illness.

A patient has to have trust in their doctor and a certain faith in the medicine over their whole life on which they will be dependent. Now I have come yet again to a passage of uncertainty of another journey of trust in my doctor, faith in the diagnosis and eternal hope for the future. The fight goes on for many patients now.

This article originally appeared in Connect Hackney’s magazine Hackney Senior.